Many times I counsel couples that are having a difficult time in their marriage. In the beginning of the counseling I will listen to the problems. He often says, “I need time to wind down when I get home, just cut me some slack” or “She won’t stop trying to fix me” or “I make all the money, she should be able to at least have the house clean.” That is usually when he is interrupted by her saying things like, “After he gets home from work he does nothing” or “He doesn’t seem interested in me at all” or “He won’t talk to me.” If I let them go long enough usually they both end in, “This is not going to work.” And that is when I say, “You are probably right.” It usually leaves them with a shocked face and I explain that if things don’t improve they will certainly fail.

Every one of these problems falls back to this basic problem of love and respect. When I listen to the guy, no matter what he says, I hear (in my head) “SHE DOES NOT RESPECT ME.” And when I listen to the woman, I hear, “HE DOES NOT LOVE ME.” It is like they are so focused on their points in their argument, they are missing the blaring emotional disconnect in their spouse. It doesn’t matter who is correct, it only matters that you recognize how the other person feels and why.

When I reveal that they are missing the point and offer advice I will then be told, “I tried to love/respect her/him and it is never enough for them.” Again, I agree with them usually leaving them with a bewildered look on their face.

See, on our own strength, we are not able to give our loved ones the love or respect that they need. Although, when we put God at the center of our lives we are able to receive true love and respect allowing us to pass it on to our spouse. Everyone benefits–God is honored, we receive love or respect from Him, and our spouse receives it as well.

p.s. If you are in marital mayhem, part 2 will describe how to do this…

Many of my days, including this morning, start by looking for something. It could be my keys, my wallet, my kids’ clothes, and sometimes my cellular phone. I will frantically scurry around the house throwing around clothes, opening drawers, and pulling up couch cushions. Usually, after I find the missing item, I will get in my car, race off, and low and behold the fuel light will brighten indicating that I need gas. Doesn’t this always seem to happen when you are late to an event?

It is frustrating when you are missing something and even more frustrating when you are running late. Yet, I think the thing that is missing in life is an indicator, just like my low fuel light, that something needs to change.

See–when you get angry, frustrated, upset, have a lack of joy, a lack of self control, are prideful, unapologetic, or brash it is always because we lack something within our relationship with God.

So how do we get that missing something back? Trust me, the answer doesn’t lie within ourselves. There is a scripture in Matthew 6:33 and it says to, ” Seek the Kingdom of God, above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.” I love this verse because it says look to Him, not ourselves, and the rest will work out…pretty simple.

Be aware of the missing indicator in your life, seek God with all your heart, and you will find what you are truly looking for…

Gravity’s never-ending force is measured at 9.8 meters per second squared. I never really got that or understood that, at least not in physics class. I knew of gravity but could not figure out how it was measured. However, when I talked it out, it actually made sense that an object falls a certain distance over a certain amount of time. Gravity is one of those things that will always be there, meaning that if you drop something, it is certain to fall no matter what that something is, where it is being dropped from or at what speed it is being dropped. You never have to question if it is going to fall, just when it is going to fall.

I have been thinking lately of love and wondering if love has gravity. What would the gravity of love be? People are in relationships over a certain amount of time so when does that gravity get the best of them and what are the circumstances by which they fall. I am speaking metaphorically of course. I have also been thinking, and realizing, that I don’t have any clue what that number would be! In saying this, something I do know is that if we don’t receive love and truly feel love, that over time we look for it in other places.

Take, for example, this common problem that happens in marriages all over the place. Guys generally look at things as challenges that they can conquer. Due to this phenomenon, many times wives are straight up confused. One thing I always hear is “At the beginning of the relationship he seemed so thoughtful, he opened the car door, bought me small gifts, and he listened. But as time went on, he was just working all the time, coming home and playing video games or running off to some hobby with his friends.” As unfortunate as this is, or can be, it wasn’t that he changed, he is still the exact same guy, but his focus has shifted to a new challenge. Guys love the chase and the adventure, although once conquered, they inevitably move on to the next mountain on the horizon. The problem with this mentality is that the other half of the relationship is left fatigued and starving so badly that they shutdown. Now, they too wind up moving on to the next mountain and look to find love in another place.

We like to put things on hold and in false expectation, and hope that they just go away. However, when there is an issue, and there will be issues, we have to address it promptly, because time keeps moving forward…tick tock…tick tock…tick tock–it will not stop! And when we don’t deal with these issues, they will go from “if” to “when”…they will become gravitational.

Multitasking is a huge part of American society, but I think it can sometimes be to our detriment. Nowadays you can be in the middle of a text conversation while listening to music on your computer and have the tv on in the background. I am often guilty of trying to do four different things at once, usually in my car!

My wife is constantly trying to get my attention while I am focused on other things. She can yell my name or even snap her fingers, and I will not hear her. It is only after she says, “Kevin…Focus” that I usually snap back into reality.

I think that this problem is everywhere today. Husbands and wives live under the same roof but they are not in love. Churchgoers attend every Sunday service, but they are not connected to God. People seem to be very social, but they actually feel lonely. I think this occurs because even if we are physically present, we can be mentally and emotionally checked out.

When I am trying to do fifteen things at once, I am really only accomplishing fifteen things faster. I think that most people have the misconception that more, faster, and busier is better. Yet, I feel that when we slow down, check-in, and live in the current moment, then our lives become joyful. Being in a relationship with your spouse, with a friend, or with God, doesn’t require just checking a box, but requires honesty and authenticity with them. Maybe that means we need to apologize, or maybe it means we need to serve someone, or just simply spend time with them.

The holidays are already speeding things up, so this season, slow down and check-in. It will let us experience this season with joy.

I was reading a story last week and I loved it! It was the story of George Mueller. He was a pastor in the nineteenth century who was frustrated that the Christians around him no longer expected anything unexpected. They no longer thought that God would answer prayers, and they were living life from what they could accomplish on their own.

He was so frustrated he started praying that he would have a life and ministry that only God could explain. Anytime he started something, he would pray to God for the resources or strength, and wouldn’t tell a soul what he needed. He wanted to be sure that God was the source of his life.

By the end of his life he had established an organization that distributed 64,000 bibles and had built four orphanages that helped more than 10,000 kids.

You have to admit, that is pretty amazing!

What was more impressive was that he had distributed millions of dollars in direct answer to prayer, and when he died he had only 800 dollars in his possession.

I am thankful for guys like George Mueller that reminds us to plan on God to do the unexpected!

Happy Thanksgiving!